I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
