I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
