this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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