tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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