Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my sisters under your porch take her home
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
this is an emotional support booty call
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
