someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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