capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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