Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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