Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize