i already hear my dad disowning me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
