New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
