God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
