i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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