Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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