end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
