: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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