She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
