I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
