Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize