Duck Duck Cougar?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
