how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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