You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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