He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
