My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
