connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
