a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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