She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
