Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
