if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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