I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
