no, he came in my armpit
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
