I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
