I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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