At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
