Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
