My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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