ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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