I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
