That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
