that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Randomize
