I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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