There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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