i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
