I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
