I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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