6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
