ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
