I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
