a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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