I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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