it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
