they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize