i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
