She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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