Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
