i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
