Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
