i love accidental penises.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
