There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
